pride

I'm actually typing this now at 3 o'clock in the morning. Just making a mental note about it. I finally had my sleep earlier than 3am right now. Though the thing is that this time I woke up at 3am. I could just crawl back into my bed and get some been-longing, decent sleep if I wanted to. But the thing is, I don't think I would have. Because my brain's been working again. Like a spark suddenly woke up my brain. And I know better than trying to make my brain shut up when I know it won't. So I decided to blog this out instead. LOLZ I know right. Told you I'm weird in a conventional way. After all, I have a feeling that this would be a making-sense entry. That would be nice compared to my past entries; I haven't had a straight mind to make one in a long while. :D



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My childhood friend Kirk and I had been talking about something that had been long done. Something that was between two of his childhood friends. I, being one of two.
It all started with me telling him about something I found in my Multiply blog account. I had been surfing through my Multiply account yesterday and stumbled across my very first post and remembered what reason I had for making a post in my account and why I wrote the things I wrote there. As far as I can remember, I think I also made that post so early in the morning because I couldn't sleep. Like I had been experiencing for the past 3, take note 3 consecutive days. And I had been feeling lonely whenever I woke up during those 3 days of mind-boggling moments lying in my bed, trying hard to fall asleep. Anyway, back to the topic, I had been reading through the comments people had left in my entry, f.o. -- friendship over. Until I scrolled down to the very end of the page and saw the viewing history of my entry. Thank God for Multiply! I swear! You know who I saw among one of the latest people of my viewing history???? It's the present of my ex-MU. Oooooooooohhh yesssnessss! This is just sweet! She had been readin from the very first entry I made, to the poem I made for him, to the moments of how the day-outs of my childhood buds and I went out. The very first thought in my head was, What the hell are you doing checking out my entries?!?!? I mean seriously, the girl is not in my contacts list; the post had been real old for her to notice it in her update since I made my very first entry on October 14, 2006. Oh yeah, because the posts of the contacts of your contacts can be seen in Multiply if one chooses the medium contacts icon instead of the close contacts. Meaning she, more or less had to go through the hassle of looking for it because as far as my viewing history's data in concerned, she checked it out last December 29, 2006. Wonder if my ex knows about this and who talked her into checking out my entries. Not that I care, just curious. What made me wonder is the reason behind the checking-out because I'm pretty sure she had more important, better stuff to do than wasting her time checking my entries. When I asked Kirk whay he thought about it, he said that the girl probably wanted to see if I had been saying stuff about her. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWW!!! If ever. Don't she be a feeler because I wouldn't waste my time saying stuff about her because it would waste my time, I told Kirk. Besides if I did, it wouldn't make me a better person than she is, now would I?. So this info triggered once again the topic I had been so keen in ending, but too relieving to talk about. The conversation's too long and personal for me to post it, so to cut it short, What was, or is, my reason for posting this right now? It's not about me finding out that the girl checked it out. It just so happened that that was what started the conversation. It's actually about what Kirk said to me, Pride is a lonely companion. Oh yesness. I'm experiencing it now. Why do I say so? Because when I let him go, I didn't do it because I did not love him anymore. I never stopped loving you; I just stopped showing it. I still did. I let him go because I didn't know what to do with the situation anymore. I let him go because I was hurt with what he did. Of course I'm hurt because I loved him. Doi. But most importantly, I let him go so that he would be free to choose. My friend knew that what I did only caused me to get hurt, and I know it. I know it will when I decided to do it. But I took the risk. Because if he really loved me, as he say he did back then, he would have still come back to me. That was why I gave him that freedom. That was why I ended it even if I still loved him and that I would be the one hurting in the end. To find out if he truly did love me. I guess it was Pride talking back then huh? Well, I don't have to tell you guys how it ended, because you know.



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I'm trying to live my life without regrets. But if I ever had a regret, it would be that I let my pride get in the way of being able to work things out. I gave up when I said Iwouldn't. Because I was hoping against hope that he'll be the one to prove me wrong. But I guess Iwas expecting too much from him. Even if I knew from the start that he couldn't.