muddled thoughts #1

i noticed that most of my entries do not make sense at all. hehe. for some reason, i have a lot of thoughts to say but sadly, there's too much of it that i can't keep focus of what exactly i want to say. did that make sense? see? hmm... anyway, too much has been bothering me since i don't know when and until now. and it looks like something else has popped into my life that's going to shake my entire life. ugh! can't you stay away for a while? or maybe never show up? don't bother my life. i'm not the one who chose this.i'm not the one who decided to keep living. if i were given the chance to choose,i wouldn't want to live this life. it's too messy and complicated that i just can't seem to understand it. and you made it worse for me. why was i kept alive in the first place? ugh! don't mind my nonsensical ramblings. *sigh* anyway, three more days before christmas. still don't feel the spirit though. sad. is this how it is to have a chirstmas when you're an adult? what a nice feeling *insert sarcasm here*