a message for you

I hate the fact that you have this effect on me. I hate the fact that you were the person who made me forget Jeng. Why did it have to be you in the first place??? I admit, I was starting to like you during my junior year, when you were being sweet to me and all. And I now know that you had an idea that I knew what you were up to that time. My bezzie told me that you guys had discussed it over one of your chats when she was still over in the US. Also from our friend Jason who so happened to be your sole companion. But set that aside from the topic because that issue was so long over.

Why oh why did I like you in the first place?! You were not near any of the standards that I had made! How come you were able to pass through all of those without me knowing?! Maybe because you fit in the category that mattered most to me -- the fact that you know who I am, how I am, what I am. The fact that you fit exactly in that description that the other criteria don't matter anymore. You know how my mood works, what ticks me off, when I'm sad and what makes me feel better. You know how to just be there even if you need not speak. You know how to be sweet in the small things that you do for me. You're the only person that I let in so close in my life. I never expected that I'd feel something for you in this sense. It never entered my mind that I would feel this way. It's sad. The quote "expect the unexpected" fits well with what happened to me with you. It's annoying that I was caught in this trap, that I was dumb enough to fall for what life had for me. But why did it had to be you? You my guybes.. I hate the fact that we are now drifting away because of what happened to us. But what I hate most is the fact that I became weak. I once again felt how it was to be helpless, to be left alone, to be stripped off the thing that mattered to me the most. Now that I have forgotten how it was to be alone, I'm once again left in the dark.

You know what? The fact that you were the person who made me forget Jeng is the thing that's making it hard for me. You know why? Because when the thing with Jeng before was still fresh, I was really thinking how the heck am I suppose to forget the person and if there's going to be someone out there who's going to make me forget about him. If there was someone who will make me forget about Jeng, I'd be thankful for that person. Thankful that he came my way. And guess what it so happened to be you. Unintentionally it happened to be you. Not that I didn't want you to be that person, but sadly because of it, a lot has happened ever since, after that deed you did on my 16th birthday. After I forgave you and made up, things were different between us. At times I blame myself for letting this happen to me. Why did I choose you to be the person who will be close to me in the first place? The fact that I thought I knew that nothing was possible of something like this happening to us made me think that it would be safe enough for me to let you in my life that close. But I guess I was wrong. We should really expect the unexpected huh? I'm not saying that I regret the things that happened to us. It's just that it's hard for me to just let go of you that easily. It's hard for me to just forget all the memories we shared, the moments we spent together. I know for you it's easy because you have someone new beside you to help you forget all about me. But what about for my part? Do I have to wait for another year or so just to move on and let go of everything? I'll admit, I still have feelings for you. I'm still waiting for the time that we'll see each other and for what will happen if we did. (By the way, we have no formal closure.)There are only two options that's possible of happening to me -- 1. either I will feel numb and indifferent or 2. I will break down and cry when I see you. What would be the lesser evil between the two? I have no idea. Either way I wouldn't feel any better if either of the two will happen to me. If I let choice 1 happen to me, I'm sure that when we are about to go home I'd be regretting that I didn't grab the chance to speak to you; however, if I let choice 2 happen, my pride and dignity's going to be crushed and I don't know if it's worth crushing for now.

I don't know how you think anymore. I don’t know what you really feel or think about me now. Your actions are confusing me, just like it did before. How can I get a hold of that answer when we don't communicate like we do before? It's sad. I already had a grasp of my sanity about this issue but I just had a dream about you and now all comes crashing back to me. You know what happened in my dream? I dreamt that we were barely talking to each other. We were out with our crew, going out and doing the usual stuff we all do. But the thing is that we weren't talking and it's like we don't care about each other anymore. I'm scared of the thought of it. It breaks me apart to know that that will happen to us. You matter to me a lot. I have no idea why you do. I just know that you do matter to me a lot, a whole lot, more than you'll ever know. More than you'll ever feel. More than you'll ever see. Is it really too late for me to show you that? Is it really over for the both of us? If it is, I know in my heart that I'm going to have a hard time coping with this. Eventually I know I will get over this though I know it won't be easy. But I do hope that if it's not, we'd still be able to work things out. I don’t want for things to end this way. If things do end between us, please don't come back anymore, esp. if my life's already set and everything. Why? Because I'm sure that you’re the only person who's going to mess up my mind and my heart once again.

11/21/06