"it's better to have nobody than somebody who is half yours, half there or doesn't want to be there, or is there and then suddenly disappears."
finally, something and someone knocked me back to reality, back to my real senses. i received this quote from a close friend & it got me thinking, yeah, it is so true! then i realized, that's how i used to think before this whole mess happened to me. i mean, come on, call it selfish whatever you want, but would anyone want to share something that's of great value or of great affection to anybody? it's in human nature, for pete's sake. ok a little compromise, maybe a someTHING we might, we would. what about a someONE, a someBODY? would you still want to share with anyone,esp. when you know yourself that you would give your all and more & all that you're going to receive is just half or maybe barely half of what you're giving? i don't think that anybody would be that stupid. but guess what? i did. MY GOD! i did! me, of all people! i have been telling myself that since, oh i don't know, as long as i can remember?! & i even tell the same thing to my friends who are in any way near that certain situation. finally something happened to get me back to reality. hmm...thanks friend,you know who you are :) hahaha..
i also had a long chat with (well it's so typical of us anyway hahaha) my best friend over the phone (sun actually haha so mobile phone :p) last night. something she told me got stuck in my head & made me think of my actions, my behavior for the past couple of days -- she had a chat with one of our friends in our crew & my best friend told him this: "Mali si _____ ng kinalaban. Si Jill pa, of all people. And pangatlong beses na yung ngayon." hahahahaha... i had a good laugh last night. at least someone out there really knows me. :) good to know, hahaha.. & know what? she made me realize that i've been giving more than i used to, that my affection and kindness toward that certain person has been abused. i gave that certain person, how may chances was it again?... oh yeah! that was four actually. four! for pete's sake! i've been that dense already?! i have been stupid for that long??! my god what the heck is wrong with me! is it about time that i give up all this hope that this certain person will learn his lesson? would you please help me decide? well if anybody's reading this, haha... the first mistake might still be forgivable, but what about the other three?
anyway, all i can say now is -- hey, if you, certain person, are reading this, listen up -- until he hasn't learned his lesson, there is no more reason for me to stay. maybe it's about time i give the certain person a lesson about loss. haha what do you think? ;p
an interesting day...
a really interesting day...
well, i had my p.e. class today.my partner was extra nice to me today. :) we were able to converse more today unlike before we would just exchange smiles & apologize to each other if one of us would hit the ball the wrong way or send it to the wrong direction.i said he was extra nice because last week,we had to practice our service & try to let the ball reach the other side of the net. (btw,my pe is volleyball.hehe) i was really,really lousy that whenever i hit the ball,it either would not reach the net or be heading the sides of the net.today,when our coach told us that we had to take a practical exam for service,my face was really sour & had a pout.when i looked at my teammates,i realized that my partner was looking at me smiling.he actually asked me if i can handle it.i told him why bother asking,he saw how i did last week anyway.he just laughed.he gave me encouraging words,saying that i'd be able to hit it right,just i be patient & practice.it really felt good that someone encouraged me.&my partner's always smiling at me whenever we have practice plays.it's hard not to smile back.that's why for some reason,i look forward to my p.e. days for besides de-stressing me,i have a nice partner.hehe
after class, i didn't change anymore because i'd be heading home anyway.but before i did, i passed by the chapel first.just wanted to say thanks for a nice day because we had a pop quiz last monday in our FILKOMU class & despite the fact that i had a problem & just had waterworks during our 10minute break in-between english & filipino class,i was able to keep a clear head when my professor was discussing the lesson & i aced the pop quiz! n_nv only two people aced the test,mind you.me & a friend of mine.hehe fine,call me nerd,i don't mind.im just happy from the fact that despite my problem distracting me,my head knew better & still listened in our class discussion.& that i was still able to take down notes.hehe.i also went to the chapel to confide my problem again,to help me to be strong in this challenge,wishing that the special person in my heart & i could settle everything already...also that i don't want to lose my best friend.he's irreplaceable for me...i don't know if i am to him but he is to me...& i don't want to lose him...
anyway,after going to the chapel,right outside,there are tiny scrolls that are placed in the small container in the bulletin board so i took a blue scroll.inside the scroll,it said:
Mother Teresa of Calcutta once said:"If you want to make peace,you don't talk to your friends.You talk to your enemies."
ask yourself:who are the people who need my forgiveness?
i found it a bit funny because it was ironic that the content of the scroll somehow was talking to me,like it somehow answered me.but then a thought came to my head,how can i talk to him when whenever we were suppose to talk,he can't say anything at all.hay...how are we going to go about it then?...
while walking,i was replying to a text message & when i was near the animo cafeteria,i felt like someone i know was behind me.but i disregarded the feeling & just kept walking.when i was near the gate,suddenly a few paces away from me,my first love just popped there & was also heading the same direction as i am.he actually looked my way,like he knew i was there,& gave a small wave.i was like,whoa ok haha,& gave a smile & a small wave as well.he was ahead of me & headed out the gate as well. i was thinking,why is he headed that way?doesn't he have a car?we were already at the sidewalk in front of mcdonald's when i noticed that he slowed down his pace.i was wondering why,what for?but i didn't walk past him & also slowed down my pace.i actually was hesitant if i'd go approach him or not,after all,he said hi in that small gesture when he saw me.but i didn't approach him.& guess what?he actually looked back my way!!i don't know why he did,probably trying to see if im still right behind him & if id approach him & make conversation.we were nearing the lrt station near mcdo & i was thinking maybe he'd head that way & not cross the street.but no,he was about to cross the street as well,same as i am.i was like,ok now what? but we already crossed the street & still didn't talk.after reaching the half of the pedestrian,we had to wait for on the other half,the cars were still passing by.only the two of us crossed that direction & later a few people followed.but in between those moments,we were the only people under that section of the lrt station waiting for the cars to stop,besides the police officer of course.when the police officer did stop the cars,he stopped right in front of me,where i was suppose to walk!i was annoyed that of all the places,why did he have to position himself there?!we crossed the street at the same time,but i was thinking that probably my F.L. already went to the other direction.i slowed down my pace,wanting to look behind me if he's still there,but i didn't.i waited for the time that i had to go left before actually looking behind me because i was scared that he might see me look behind my shoulder if he was there.good thing i waited because he was behind me!now, i really slowed down my pace,taking the stairs one at a time instead of my usual skips when i go up.i thought that we'd be able to talk but i guess not.i already went ahead & went to the ladies' section of the lrt platform.but before i did,i sort of waited for him to place his magnetic card in the electronic turnstile before heading the ladies' section.all the way of the ride i was wondering why i didn't converse him & wondered what station he'd get off to,if i did converse him earlier when we were in the mcdonald's sidewalk,would we be riding the lrt together?but i know in myself that i won't because i know that most probably,after having a chat with him (if i did),i'd go to the ladies' section.besides,my special one popped into my head.....so sad i can't tell him how my day went....i just hope he reads my entries,just like he used to do........
well, i had my p.e. class today.my partner was extra nice to me today. :) we were able to converse more today unlike before we would just exchange smiles & apologize to each other if one of us would hit the ball the wrong way or send it to the wrong direction.i said he was extra nice because last week,we had to practice our service & try to let the ball reach the other side of the net. (btw,my pe is volleyball.hehe) i was really,really lousy that whenever i hit the ball,it either would not reach the net or be heading the sides of the net.today,when our coach told us that we had to take a practical exam for service,my face was really sour & had a pout.when i looked at my teammates,i realized that my partner was looking at me smiling.he actually asked me if i can handle it.i told him why bother asking,he saw how i did last week anyway.he just laughed.he gave me encouraging words,saying that i'd be able to hit it right,just i be patient & practice.it really felt good that someone encouraged me.&my partner's always smiling at me whenever we have practice plays.it's hard not to smile back.that's why for some reason,i look forward to my p.e. days for besides de-stressing me,i have a nice partner.hehe
after class, i didn't change anymore because i'd be heading home anyway.but before i did, i passed by the chapel first.just wanted to say thanks for a nice day because we had a pop quiz last monday in our FILKOMU class & despite the fact that i had a problem & just had waterworks during our 10minute break in-between english & filipino class,i was able to keep a clear head when my professor was discussing the lesson & i aced the pop quiz! n_nv only two people aced the test,mind you.me & a friend of mine.hehe fine,call me nerd,i don't mind.im just happy from the fact that despite my problem distracting me,my head knew better & still listened in our class discussion.& that i was still able to take down notes.hehe.i also went to the chapel to confide my problem again,to help me to be strong in this challenge,wishing that the special person in my heart & i could settle everything already...also that i don't want to lose my best friend.he's irreplaceable for me...i don't know if i am to him but he is to me...& i don't want to lose him...
anyway,after going to the chapel,right outside,there are tiny scrolls that are placed in the small container in the bulletin board so i took a blue scroll.inside the scroll,it said:
Mother Teresa of Calcutta once said:"If you want to make peace,you don't talk to your friends.You talk to your enemies."
ask yourself:who are the people who need my forgiveness?
i found it a bit funny because it was ironic that the content of the scroll somehow was talking to me,like it somehow answered me.but then a thought came to my head,how can i talk to him when whenever we were suppose to talk,he can't say anything at all.hay...how are we going to go about it then?...
while walking,i was replying to a text message & when i was near the animo cafeteria,i felt like someone i know was behind me.but i disregarded the feeling & just kept walking.when i was near the gate,suddenly a few paces away from me,my first love just popped there & was also heading the same direction as i am.he actually looked my way,like he knew i was there,& gave a small wave.i was like,whoa ok haha,& gave a smile & a small wave as well.he was ahead of me & headed out the gate as well. i was thinking,why is he headed that way?doesn't he have a car?we were already at the sidewalk in front of mcdonald's when i noticed that he slowed down his pace.i was wondering why,what for?but i didn't walk past him & also slowed down my pace.i actually was hesitant if i'd go approach him or not,after all,he said hi in that small gesture when he saw me.but i didn't approach him.& guess what?he actually looked back my way!!i don't know why he did,probably trying to see if im still right behind him & if id approach him & make conversation.we were nearing the lrt station near mcdo & i was thinking maybe he'd head that way & not cross the street.but no,he was about to cross the street as well,same as i am.i was like,ok now what? but we already crossed the street & still didn't talk.after reaching the half of the pedestrian,we had to wait for on the other half,the cars were still passing by.only the two of us crossed that direction & later a few people followed.but in between those moments,we were the only people under that section of the lrt station waiting for the cars to stop,besides the police officer of course.when the police officer did stop the cars,he stopped right in front of me,where i was suppose to walk!i was annoyed that of all the places,why did he have to position himself there?!we crossed the street at the same time,but i was thinking that probably my F.L. already went to the other direction.i slowed down my pace,wanting to look behind me if he's still there,but i didn't.i waited for the time that i had to go left before actually looking behind me because i was scared that he might see me look behind my shoulder if he was there.good thing i waited because he was behind me!now, i really slowed down my pace,taking the stairs one at a time instead of my usual skips when i go up.i thought that we'd be able to talk but i guess not.i already went ahead & went to the ladies' section of the lrt platform.but before i did,i sort of waited for him to place his magnetic card in the electronic turnstile before heading the ladies' section.all the way of the ride i was wondering why i didn't converse him & wondered what station he'd get off to,if i did converse him earlier when we were in the mcdonald's sidewalk,would we be riding the lrt together?but i know in myself that i won't because i know that most probably,after having a chat with him (if i did),i'd go to the ladies' section.besides,my special one popped into my head.....so sad i can't tell him how my day went....i just hope he reads my entries,just like he used to do........
my weekend
everyone rushing,leaving
getting away from here.
busy in their own little world.
i'm pacing,chasing,wondering,
anticipating the time of your arrival.
i feel the warm breeze on my face,
much as if your hand were touching my cheek..
but then i realized
there's no more weekend for me and you...
just in my own little world,
i wait for the time,
i'd be back in your arms....
getting away from here.
busy in their own little world.
i'm pacing,chasing,wondering,
anticipating the time of your arrival.
i feel the warm breeze on my face,
much as if your hand were touching my cheek..
but then i realized
there's no more weekend for me and you...
just in my own little world,
i wait for the time,
i'd be back in your arms....
silence..
silent...
sitting here,all alone
in a brightly lit room.
feel the presence of the chill.
sitting,waiting,thinking
of your warm hug
conquering the chills in my heart.
sitting,waiting,staring into space
bearing the emptiness,
without your bright brown eyes
sending warmth deep inside of me.
sitting,waiting...
wanting your presence
to fill my emptiness..
all i can do is sit here and wait
in silence...
sitting here,all alone
in a brightly lit room.
feel the presence of the chill.
sitting,waiting,thinking
of your warm hug
conquering the chills in my heart.
sitting,waiting,staring into space
bearing the emptiness,
without your bright brown eyes
sending warmth deep inside of me.
sitting,waiting...
wanting your presence
to fill my emptiness..
all i can do is sit here and wait
in silence...
thoughts of you
as i lie here in my bed
random thoughts of you and me come flooding through my head.
those times of fun and laughter,
moments that i would never forget.
as i lie here in my bed
i think about those sweet words you said to me,
and wonder if they were even really true,
or was it just a dream,too good to be true?
as i lie here in my bed
i wonder if you still think of me
as i think of you,
or was i already replaced by someone more special, someone new?
as i lie here in my bed
i wonder if you still love me
as you said you do,
or has she already won over your heart...
as i lie here in my bed
i know that these thoughts will be left unanswered
for i know, deep down in your heart, you have already forgotten about me... :'c
random thoughts of you and me come flooding through my head.
those times of fun and laughter,
moments that i would never forget.
as i lie here in my bed
i think about those sweet words you said to me,
and wonder if they were even really true,
or was it just a dream,too good to be true?
as i lie here in my bed
i wonder if you still think of me
as i think of you,
or was i already replaced by someone more special, someone new?
as i lie here in my bed
i wonder if you still love me
as you said you do,
or has she already won over your heart...
as i lie here in my bed
i know that these thoughts will be left unanswered
for i know, deep down in your heart, you have already forgotten about me... :'c
f.o. -- friendship over
pros and cons of having a guy as a best friend
pros:
pros:
pros:
- you can have a guy's perspective in certain things, like what they would do in certain situations,or what their thoughts are about certain things,etc.
- there's like a "big brother" image that you can turn to. *if you're looking for one*
- you get to have an instant protector. ha ha
- there's a shoulder you can cry on when you're down and blue. *well, i know there are gal friends, but it's different with guys. there's a kind of security you can feel,at least i think so.*
- actually,there's only a teeny tiny thing you should be aware of -- the possibility of falling in love with your best friend
pros:
- you know each other really well that you're tolerant about the other's idiosyncrasies that other people would surely misunderstand.
- the understanding is incomparable because when you accepted the other as your friend,you accepted everything about the person.
- there are certain things that only he/she is only capable of doing for you because they know how you want things to be.
- the feeling is different if you had shared memories with the person, like growing up together or being in the same crew..
- when both of you are in the same crew, it is time-saving because you get to hang out with your friends and your special someone at the same time,plus you don't have to worry if your friends and your special one will get along or not.
- when you accepted him/her as your friend,you accepted everything about the person ,thus you are able to love him/her unconditionally.
- there's only one con to this -- when you're on top, there's no other way but to go down. it's hard to bring back the friendship as it was before the whole thing happened. different people have different attitudes as to how to handle the damaged relationship.